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[01 Jul 2007|09:47pm] |
so im feeling the need to write. again.
so i was driving in the car with my dad today, just listening to music, enjoying how incredibly beautiful it was outside when i started thinking about life and the future. and i hate it when i do this. i wonder, what is there after we die? ive known nothing except being here, on earth. what happens and where do we go when this is over? it makes my heart race just thinking about it.
but after thinking about that, i was thinking about growing up, getting married, having kids, and so on and so on, and i get nervous but excited at the same time. and the cool breeze makes me feel so happy and warm inside. i have the most amazing boyfriend. i just cannot believe how much love i have for him. it is so hard to come up with words to explain how i feel when im just thinking about him. he just feels so right.
life just feels so right.
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[15 Jun 2007|11:16pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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i never write in the damn thing anymore. but whatev. im feeling the need to write. about what i have been through.
Highschool was a big turning point in my life, yet turning the wrong direction. I started to feel abandoned by my friends. I felt like i was alone in the world. I gained a lot of weight and looked down on myself. I used to walk home every day for lunch in 11th grade, and yet it is a short walk from school to home i had plenty of time to think about who i was. I tried to get together with my friends but it just seemed like they werent interested anymore. My mother had become my one and only friend. But there was so much she didnt know.
By the time senior year came around, i had started a diet, a simple one of just measuring out porportions and exercising a few times a week. I still didnt feel close to my friends at all. I pretty much felt like the biggest loser in highschool.
After i started seeing the results in my diet i took it to the next step, not knowing what i was getting into. I would start exercising after anything and everything i ate to try and get it out of my body. though i was seeing the weight come off, i couldnt stand looking at myself in the mirror. and when i did, i was disgusted with what i saw.
though i had a boyfriend and he seemed to love me, and whatever we had, that i thought was love i wasnt very happy.
I eventually was starving myself and it was putting me into this horrible state of mind. Food was what i thought about every second of the day.
The more i looked at myself the more i would try and hurt myself or punish myself for looking how i did.
and no matter what anyone did or said i couldnt and i wouldnt stop.
Robby and i broke up, and it broke my heart into a million pieces. he was my first love, and i was devestated. and this is when it started really going down hill.
I couldnt eat, i couldnt sleep. I didnt understand why he didnt want to be with me.
I became so depressed. and i would be come even more depressed for almost the next 2 years.
i started drinking. a lot. as often as i could. i would store the alcohol in my room and drink by myself to get rid of the pain.
i also started taking a lot of pain killers. so much that i know i have permenently damaged my body. some nights i would lie awake in bed and wonder if i would wake up the next morning. but i always did.
on top of starving myself, drinking, and taking pills i started to self harm, or cut myself. it was a different kind of pain to feel. one that is so hard to describe and most people would never understand. but it felt so good to see the marks on my arms and my stomach. the pain felt so good. it put me in another state of mind. that was probably my worst habit.
i had changed completely in just a few months. i rarely smiled or laughed. there was just nothing that could make me happy. and i tried and tried so hard to be happy for everyone, but i just couldnt. i just hurt too bad. and most people couldnt understand the pain i was going through. and it still comes back even today.
it was as if i were a completely different person.
at times i felt void of any emotion at all. and i would just stare, not feeling anything.
some days i wished i were not here anymore. i didnt want to feel the pain anymore.
i tried to cover up my pain with alcohol, it usually made me somewhat happy for a moment.
i couldnt believe what i had become.
i didnt understand why i wasnt happy, and why i couldnt be happy.
but after over 3 years of unhappiness came the best thing that has happened to me...Jimmy. In an instant my world flipped back over. He made me smile and laugh again. the light had started to break through into my dark world.
there are still days when i just suddenly become very sad and depressed and i cannot figure out why. but i know it will pass.
I dont drink as often as a used to, im eating normally, and exercising normally. I only take pain killers when it is absolutly necessary, and i have not cut myself in probably 7 months.
and i could not be more proud of myself.
It was strange at first, a life so full of happiness, that it was scary.
but im loving life now more than ever.
it feels so good to get this all out in the open. ive wanted to share this with everyone for so long, but i just havent had the courage until now.
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[30 Dec 2006|09:38pm] |
im feeling a little bit depressed today. i know it will go away when im sleeping next to the most wonderful man on this earth...but for now, i just feel sad. i have no idea why. i have no reason to be sad. everything in my life is good. im finally sticking up for myself, and not taking shit from people. if you are gonna treat me like shit, i dont want you around.
but on to the good stuff.
my brother is home from korea. he leaves in 2 days, but his stay has been awesome. picking him up from the airport was like out of a movie. there was running, jumping, picking up, and near crying. it couldnt have been more perfect.
my christmas was AMAZING. mostly to the fact that i am 100 times more happy than i was this time last year. and the fact that my boyfriend is just purely...i cant even think of a word.
i got awesome stuff for christmas, including a new all pink skateboard, an itrip for my ipod, the first 2 seasons to veronica mars, a beautiful korean tea set, a few movies, clothes, a new red pea coat, and some other stuff. but i dont feel the need to ramble on and on about what i got. but the best present i did get was my brother.
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[04 Dec 2006|04:13pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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angels and airwaves - we dont need to whisper |
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its finally snowing.
seeing the snow fall and stick to the ground puts a huge smile on my face.
i dont know, but the snow just seems so romantic and makes me think of jimmy and how lucky i am to have him.
i dont think ive written on here since we've started dating.
well let me tell you, its like a fairy tale romance. it couldnt be more perfect. everything he does makes me smile, everything he says melts my heart, and when he smiles its like hes lighting up the world.
he makes my heart race, my cheeks blush, and my palms sweat.
the world just seems so different. so much brighter. like nothing can go wrong.
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[12 Sep 2006|10:21pm] |
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music |
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afi - endlessly, she said |
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i sit and wait.
i wait.
when will life begin?
when will my questions be answered?
when will the sun rise?
i dont sleep well.
i often feel sick.
i have bad dreams.
i think too much while lying in bed.
i think too much.
my brain is constantly on hyper mode.
sometimes i feel invsible.
like no one sees me.
i will wait for you, endlessly.
oh i will be alright, just use me...just use me.
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[10 Sep 2006|02:16pm] |
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music |
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AFI - endlessly, she said |
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often, i feel this intense sadness.
so bad i want to share with others how im feeling. but im at a loss when it comes to speaking. writing becomes my sanctuary, the place where i can let my true self come out. i never really know what im writing until i look back and read it to myself. the words just seem to flow out of the pen. or off of the keyboard.
i often find myself just sitting and staring. immune to the real world.
i want to show my true self.
but i am afraid of what people will say, think, how they will react. i fear disappointment.
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[24 Aug 2006|03:34pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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why did i do it?
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[23 Aug 2006|10:41pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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so, im feeling sad right now. i havent talked to him in 2 days. i dont know why. and i just dont get it. i wanna drink, but i dont want to start that again. and i feel like doing other things, but like i said before, i dont want to start that again. i want to be done with that part of my life. and i know its gonna keep coming up, and its always gonna be in the back of my mind, but i can do this. i just need to focus. i was feeling a bit depressed today and sunday. i dunno why. i never really do. i think i need to just cry and go to bed.
good night.
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[05 Jul 2006|09:55pm] |
ok, so i know i dont update anymore. and i usually never go on here anymore. but i miss lj a little and i feel the need to give it some love.
and well, since everything is going so amazingly fantastic right now, i feel the need to tell the world.
i dont think i have been this happy in a long ass time. i love it. i am single and happy. i even just had surgery, but im cool with it. its great. i love my friends. i love my family. im a godmother. my brother and sister-in-law just had twins and they are so beautiful. my neice is the cutest thing in the world. i love going to canada and partying it up. i love everyone that im starting to be friends with (again) i love my job. and all my co-workers. i mean, im not full time or salary, and i didnt have to work on tuesday and i got paid for it!!! how pimp is that? my birthday is in 6 days. and im gonna be 20. thats sweet. and i now dont even have to work on my birthday. sweetness. im working out a lot more, being healthy, and just loving life. im thinking about minoring in criminal justice - police evidence technology. my major still interior design. but you know, you always need a backup. and well, thats what interests me.
ok..so, my birthday..you know, its in 6 days. and well, thats not too far away. well, i am planning on going to canada on the 15th (saturday), party it up, and probably stay the night in a hotel. so there are no worries about whos dd and whatnot. well, i am just putting out the invitation to anyone who wants to go. mind you, only like 4 or 5 people are allowed to stay in the hotel, so if you want a room, you gotta get it yourself, or you can just come with a few people and have a dd. well, invitations out there. so yea...party!
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[24 Apr 2006|08:05pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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wow, i never update anymore.
well, i colored my hair yesterday, and will be doing it again in 2 weeks, to be blonde. yay.
i love it already, it looks sooooo much better.
and wow, my brother is moving to korea in 2 weeks cuz he got a teaching job there. im gonna miss him, but he better bring me back some souviners. im hoping that maybe i could go visit him. but who knows.
schools over tomorrow. yay.
its finally summer. yay.
i love my job.
everything is good.
oh, and my mom just informed me that shes going upnorth on wednesday. woo.
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[09 Dec 2005|12:29am] |
| Your 2005 Song Is | 
Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating"
In 2005, you bummed everyone out. Like you care. |
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[11 Nov 2005|08:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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chipper |
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"im so high and i ate all my tic-tacs"
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[19 Oct 2005|10:19pm] |
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music |
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motion city soundtrack - time turned fragile |
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ok, so today, not that great of a day.
i still cant find my glasses. and its getting harder and harder for me to drive.
especially at night.
work was a bitch. its like everyone planned to just make fun of me or just be a bitch to me.
i cant think straight.
i space out a lot.
i have been having a lot of heart flutters. big ones.
my ankle has been hurting since i woke up.
only good things.
i slept in.
and i got to go to starbucks with jon.
i have a test tomorrow in intro to interior design.
woo.
i gotta study some more.
friday is the last homegame for the highschool, and i wanna go.
so, im gonna go.
and then im babysitting saturday night at lik 9.
woot.
hopefully i will have plans with other people so i dont have to entertain myself all fucking weekend.
out.
kris.
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[17 Oct 2005|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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motion city soundtrack - make out kids |
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